Wrap It Up, B!: What Are You Still Holding Onto?

Hello again readers! Sorry I just left you all hanging for a little while, it's been a busy couple of weeks for me. The Hubs and I have just moved into a new place. Though moving is a ton of work, I absolutely love our new place. At first, the idea of moving filled me with dread and sudden laziness. I hate (HATE) boxing up all my things, transferring them and then living in Boxland for an absurd amount of time. Yet, I do love (LOVE) the refreshing feeling of new space, new energy and the excitement of transitioning a space into a home. So I sucked it up, picked up some boxes and started packing. On the last day in the old spot, I scrubbed down walls, floors and, most importantly, furniture yet to be hauled out. People walked in and out, pulling away boxes, stirring up dust and leaving me to feel like I would never finish. I almost called it quits and The Hubs reminded me that what I was doing was important because we shouldn't bring old dirt with us. Yeah, I thought, he's right. I dumped dirty bucket water into the toilet and began to wonder about how much old dirt we carry with us all the time and when is it time to clear it up?

My grandfather once told me that saying goodbye is only half the work: the other half is actually leaving. The day that I started to pack up my office, I decided to go through my journal drawer. I opened covers to old poems, ideas for short stories, half finished essays and social criticisms. I chuckled at some doodles and obnoxious blurbs I wrote to myself. In the dead center of one of my notebooks I found a note from an old Love. Nothing fancy, no confessions of deep feelings or even a warm sweet sentence, instead it was a "by the way..." kinda note. I smiled an "oh yeah, you used to be" smile and without second thought, trashed it. It occurred to me that that wasn't always so easy to do, but now I was married, and, well, over it.

That wasn't always the case thought. I'll admit, that before I was swept off my feet -little married disclaimer ;) - I had a hard time assessing what it meant to be really over someone. Talking to a friend a couple of weeks ago about her dilemma with "old v. new" told me I wasn't the only one.  I understood, eventually, that you can't say you're over a relationship and still have lingering mementos "just cuz", still maintain relationships with their family (or them!), or Facebook stalk them. It just isn't healthy for you, them, or any other relationship you try to enter.

I dated someone once who- true story- kept pictures on his wall of every woman he'd had a significant relationship with. HA! That's a bit extreme, to say the least, but it works for the point. When talking to a friend, who I later learned also dated this dude before we even knew each other, she laid out the impact it had on their relationship. "I couldn't go over without saying, 'oh hey, ____, and hi all of ___'s ex girlfriends!" we died laughing because it was true. Maybe all of us don't keep pics on our walls for everyone to see, but we keep them in our heads and hearts. Who knows, this ex might say he's at least upfront with his, everyone else can be accused of being in denial!

I, unfortunately, had to learn the hard way. I had a non traditional relationship with someone for a few years. We'd see each other, not, see other people, hang out, break up with said other person, see each other again, and repeat. It didn't dawn on me until years after this relationship that although we cared for each other very deeply, we did each other more harm than anything because we just couldn't let go. On top of that, we made really horrible situations for the people who came in between. What started as a beautiful thing, ended up as a painful mess all because we kept each other past the expiration date.

Not too long ago I told The Hubs that my past relationships served as experiences and lessons in Love so that  I would be prepared to fully and openly give myself to him. Had I not learned to say goodbye and actually peace, as my Grandfather taught me, I might have missed out on the most amazing experience in my life. And THAT would have been a wrap.

Take care of yourselves people, keep the memories, but learn to let go of the participant. You can't always fit them in a box.