A Crusty-Eyed Epiphany: I'm baack...

For the first time, in a long time, I'm taking a sick day. Scratch that, a real sick day. Not in the "i'm sick, so i took the day off and am getting through my home list of ish to do" day, but a tea drinking, non t.v. watching, deep breathing sick day. And in the midst of my reading, spacing off, walking back and forth to the bathroom to fix my hair for no reason, i started to feel... irked. Why would I feel this way when i'm doing absolutely nothing at all? Well, because behind the laundry list of things to do floating around in my head is the guilt of pushing back one of the most important aspects of my personal growth: outlets.

Recently, my professional work has consumed much of my personal time, space and emotional stability. I work with young people, too familiar with the streets and unfamiliar with some of life's basic essentials. I've seen young people die, be shot, be incarcerated, hospitalized, abandoned, abused, abusive... the list goes on. In the same breathe, I've seen growth, felt the warmest hugs, held hands through pain, heard young people stand up for themselves and each other, laughter and Love. It's been both devastating and beautiful. 

and then there's me...

I haven't wanted to admit how much my job has weighed on my personal life. Nights where I can't keep my eyes open past 10:15, I call myself lame and turn in. weekends where I'd rather veg out in front of the tv watching SVU marathons (that show is addictive!) than go out, i blame the lack of a car and the cold for my shortness of motivation, when in reality, I'm just tired. And that's okay. I have a tough job. But, there has to be a balance and I've been really sucking at that.

Truth is, I'm not that bent out of shape over my SVU binges and adequate amounts of sleep. however, I have been trying to be more intentional about how i use my time. I've also been thinking deeply about things that make me really happy. Here's my list thus far:

1. meeting new people
2. Talking to friends on a regular basis
3. Laughing- the kind that makes you cry and your kidneys hurt
4. great conversations
5. going on dates
6. live music and dancing
7. being outside
8. sex
9. hanging out with my brother and sister
10.writing
11. me time

Some of those I've already started to work on. Some are solid. Others I started and then dropped like a boyfriend who doesn't like to read. But they're all super important to me. A friendly hint from my sistafriend this morning made me realize it's been a year since I've last written a blog entry. yowza. There's really no excuse because I've had waaay too many good conversations, read some important (and crazy) ish and i'm constantly drafting posts in my head. Plus, i had so much fun with this! writing, debating with crazies, reading new blogs, making cyber writer friends...

So i'm breaking my writing dryspell. But be gentle... it's been a while.

what's your list look like and how are you making the time get to those things?

White Culture and Color Blindness

 Reposted from One Drop Rule:

"Ever have men striven to conceive of their victims as different from the victors, endlessly different, in soul and blood, strength and cunning, race and lineage. It has been left, however, to Europe and to modern days to discover the eternal world-wide mark of meanness,—color!" W.E.B. Du Bois "The Soul of White Folk" Darkwater

Today, most white people don't see themselves as belonging to a particular racial group.

You're hard pressed to find a white person that will proudly proclaim that they are white. Exclamations of white pride are reserved for white supremacists and those that dabble along the fringes. It's sort of strange. It's not like white people are shy about other parts of their social identities: Political affiliation? Sure. Religion? No doubt. Geographic region? Check. But it's difficult to find a typical, non-racist, white person explicitly discussing their experience as a white person in America. You will not find the explicit, non-racist, white equivalent of One Drop Rule.

Reminder of the Week: Be Grateful

Hello Folks!!! Let me update you with what's going on with me. Well, for starters CaneLa Womyn is in California! 

Are You Black Enough?

The other night The Hubs and I watched Street Fight, a documentary about the 2002 Newark mayoral race between long standing mayor Sharpe James and newbie Cory Booker. The film was immediately intriguing. I was astounded by 1. Cory Booker's willingness eagerness to connect with the folks politicians never want to connect with: the poverty stricken folks of color. This man moved into the projects to be connected with the people of Newark, since (at that time) the percentage of poverty was increasing and more people were becoming devastated by the failing leadership. Anywhooo...back to my list... 2. His focus on running a sound, strong, yet dignified campaign. and 3. His commitment to the people (more on that later...).  Coming from a city of corrupt politics, I was impressed at how dirty Sharpe James was keeping his in order to win the election. Everything from threatening local businesses to using his power to block Cory Booker from running an equal race. Again, coming from a city of shameless corruption, I was only so shocked. But, my jaw hit the floor when Sharpe James busted out a new tactic: accusing Booker of being white and not black enough to understand Newark. This has been a conversation had with many black friends and The Hubs... after watching this documentary I questioned, who claims the right to decide what Black is and what constitutes "Black enough"?

Toure Goes In on Rick Santorum for Race & Abortion Comments

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Nature or Nurture: Little Girls, Little Mommys?

The Hubs and I are at Target buying a gift for our nephew. Creepily, my dad calls and asks that I look for a new Priscilla since I was there. Priscilla is my little sister's favorite doll. She was originally a present for someone else, but Oli took such a liking to her that, well, she took her. She even named her, unlike the rest of her dolls, which are just called "babies".  Priscilla has been going through a thang and, for hygienic reasons, needs to be replaced. Since a 3 year old doesn't understand the concept of gross, my dad has called for operation "replace Priscilla before Oli notices". I agree to look for the exact doll, hang up and head to the doll section. 

The section covered in pink cardboard doilies and harmonious wailing and giggling babies is hard to miss. Since I don't have children, I've never actually hung out in the "girl aisle" at the store. I was immediately overwhelmed by the number of mini-stroller, peek-a-boo, i-crap-and-pee-look-at-me babies jumping off of the shelves. For every bodily function, child's game, behavioral pattern- there's a doll for that. All wearing either pink or purple. No unisex colors here. Fake diapers, fake bottles, highchairs, you name it, it's there. I look over at The Hubs whose eyes are immediately remorseful about venturing into Operation Priscilla with me. We shuffle through plastic dolls cooing with each one of our movements until we finally find her. Practically pushing other costumers to get out of the aisle, we head to the cashier and I question: Isn't there something wrong with that?

Bad Girls Club: Another Few Steps Back for Women

So this Monday was the season premier of Bad Girls Club. I was surprised at how much hype this show was getting all over. My Facebook updates were bombarded by BGC countdowns and I even had a long conversation with one of my mentees about the show. Apparently, besides college basketball, it's the only show she watches. So, I decided to check it out myself. I've seen short scenes here and there, but I never sat through a whole episode. Since the Hubs was making dinner that night, I took the opportunity to finally see for myself what all the commotion was about. I should have probably left it alone, I would have retained a few brain cells.